See Saw

It’s so hard sometimes…

It’s hard ALL the time…

But it’s possible.

Do I choose my life to focus on my recovery? Or do I focus on my life being normal? They overlap in a sense. If I choose recovery, my life will be more normal.

But I always find that one outweighs the other and there’s an imbalance, similar to a see saw. If I’m focused more on my recovery, my life goes haywire. It’s anything but normal. If I focus more on a normal life, I’m drowning in the water, trying to stay above the water so I can breathe.

It’s a new day, not to change the subject but I’m at Department of Social Service in Uniondale. It’s worse than DMV, way worse. I’m only here for a stupid Buy In Program application that allows me to make more than $1000 a month, $1700 a month to be exact. The things I have to go through to get benefits.

I just want to walk out of here. I didn’t ask to have the strokes. This is such a joke! The strokes should be the worst I experience, but NOOO, now this? This is punishment. And to top it off I drove all this way (30 minutes from my house) to discover I left my license (somewhere, I don’t even remember where I put it).

Does anyone really think I want “free benefits”? Hell No. I would turn back time in a second, but it doesn’t work that way. So here I am, bored out of my mind, trying not to fall asleep. I don’t belong here… I should be positive, but it’s so hard sometimes. I need to vent. Sorry everyone😩.