Resilient Peaceful Positive Survivor

Maybe I should’ve wrote this for Thanksgiving…oh well.

What are you all grateful for? Yeah the list can go on and on of things I can complain about going wrong, but why even start down that path?

Maybe we can get a stream of things we’re grateful for in the comment section, deal?

Let me get the ball rolling and start off.

I’m grateful to still be alive. I could’ve died a couple of times back in 2014 when I had the two strokes, but God felt my time wasn’t up.  I’m grateful I’m not paralyzed on one side of my body like so many others who’ve I met that had a Traumatic Brain Injury. Yes, my right side of my entire body is a little weaker than my left side, but at least I still have use of it.

I’m grateful I can walk now. Better yet, I can drive. Back when I had the two strokes in 2014, I remember having blurred vision for the longest time. My eyes were very sensitive to light. I had to close the blinds in my room and block the night light with the chair from my sight. All I can think about were the handful of people in the nursing home I was in that could not see any object to the left of them. I couldn’t even comprehend this. Even if I was on their left side, they wouldn’t know unless I told them. I also had a glare in my vision from the strokes. For all those who know what I’m talking about, I thought it would never go away. All I can describe it like was it was like an empty stare. Having this glare, just looking at me, anyone can tell something was different about me.

Even though I was the only youngest female in there, there were plenty of guys younger than me that had sustained Traumatic Brain Injuries. A couple of them were completely permanently paralyzed. A couple were on feeding tubes. They were either in car accidents, etc. that they were completely immobilized.

Here I was getting impatient of my recovery. My recovery wasn’t quick enough in my eyes. I should be grateful at how far I’ve come. Here I was trying to jump on the train toward normalcy. Didn’t I learn anything from what I had experienced? To take things slow, enjoy life, and enjoy the company around me while I still can? (to be continued…)

Do I want this? To live a normal life again? “Of course”, I think to myself. Where I’m rushing, rushing, rushing? Why does everything FEEL SO WRONG THEN?

I hate rushing. HATE IT. I’m rushing so much I never get to look around to see where I am or be in a calm state. I can never enjoy the journey on the way to the destination. I can never remember what the hell I just did. All I remember is just the way I felt, like I was riding a roller coaster. I hate roller coasters. I’m a fraidy cat who’s scared of heights.

I have to remind myself daily to SLOW IT DOWN. Obviously not too slow since I’ll get nothing done. But enough so that I can actually remember doing it and not be stressed doing it. I’ll actually enjoy doing it. Because I enjoy doing it, I’ll be more focused so I can do it better.

This is how my day started this morning: Being it’s so brisk outside, I decided to eat a nice warm bowl of oatmeal for breakfast at the kitchen table. Sounds nice right? But then all of a sudden, the thoughts in my head begin to race. What do I have to do today? What do I have to do this morning? Etc. STOP RIGHT THERE. SLOW IT DOWN.

How do I do that? Live In The Present. How do I do that again you say? Prioritize your tasks. Start with what you NEED first.We all need NUTRITIOUS food, water (considering our bodies are made of 70% of water), shelter, and clothing. Those are priority first, then everything after.

I think to myself, the oatmeal is so warm, nice, and soft. I swirl it in my mouth, tasting the flavors. It has a hint of cinnamon to it that gives a nice kick to it. On top of that, I put agave nectar. Hmmm, I feel like I can taste it right now. The agave adds a sweetness to it. As I sit there eating, I can actually say I’m at peace. I’m sitting crosslegged as I eat, enjoying the peace and quiet. Since I’m at the kitchen table, the whole room plus the kitchen is windowed, letting the sunlight in. I enjoy looking at the trees, all the colors the leaves are turning. It’s so beautiful with the sunlight shining on it. All I hear is the breeze and the birds chirping.

Some of you may be thinking to yourself, “um don’t you have things to do?” Of course I do, but in order to start the day off right, I have to make sure I feed myself to complete all those tasks. Like fuel in a car. A car needs gas in order to drive to the destination. If It runs out of gas, then it will never make it.

Since I’m on the TBI Waiver, I receive two hours a week of CIC Counseling. My Community Integration Counselor, Lynda (who’s awesome by the way), told me a story months ago. Maybe you heard of it, well here it goes.

Picture yourself on a plane. All of a sudden, the plane hits turbulence. The ride gets really bumpy. Everyones’ luggage starts falling from above because the doors that enclosed the storage opened up. People are screaming and crying all around you. You might be one of them. The oxygen masks drop down in front of you. Everyone’s frantic even more so now, including you. There’s a seven year old child sitting to the right of you. What do you do? Who do you give oxygen to first?

First inclination I thought of when she told me the story is “of course the child should”. Nope she said. If the child is given oxygen first, she said I’ll faint from lack of it. The child will never get oxygen because I’ll be unconscious already.

She said to me, “You have to give yourself oxygen first in order to give the child oxygen.” That seemed mean at first when I thought about it. “Wouldn’t it be selfish to give myself oxygen before the child?”, I thought to myself. After some time contemplating about this tricky situation, everything she said seemed to click and make sense. If I don’t give myself oxygen first, I won’t be conscious to help the child, or anyone else.

What I do so I don’t put too much on my plate is I’ll do one thing on my To Do List then I do something for me. What I call this list is titled I Love Myself List. What does this consist of ? ~ everything you love doing that relaxes you. What it does not consist of are things that stress you out and frazzle you.

One of the things that comes to mind that frazzles me out is going shopping. There’s always so many people. It’s so crowded. Sooo…what’s the word? STRESSFUL. Plus my walk has been effected, so my balance and coordination is completely off. And I get easily overwhelmed in crowds now. Am I gonna Fall? Is that man/woman staring at me? Are just a couple of the questions that come to mind.

All the things on I Love Myself List have a commonality. Can you guess what it is? The answer only includes one person. That being: yourself, no one else.

Some of the things that are on my I Love Myself List are: meditation, journaling, drawing, going to a quiet cafe to read my book, doing my nails, taking a nice scenic walk or writing on my blog 🙂 .

“Who has time for this?”, one may say. The answer to this is we deserve it (Which we ALL DO). Especially so we have a peace of mind in order to finish our To Do List efficiently. Everyone wants to remember the journey I hope. I know I do. And if you don’t get to everything on the To Do List, it’s not realistic to do it all in one day. Do the rest the next day or the following day. Enjoy the Journey. Remember to Love Yourself. Have a great day everyone.

 

It’s so hard sometimes…

It’s hard ALL the time…

But it’s possible.

Do I choose my life to focus on my recovery? Or do I focus on my life being normal? They overlap in a sense. If I choose recovery, my life will be more normal.

But I always find that one outweighs the other and there’s an imbalance, similar to a see saw. If I’m focused more on my recovery, my life goes haywire. It’s anything but normal. If I focus more on a normal life, I’m drowning in the water, trying to stay above the water so I can breathe.

It’s a new day, not to change the subject but I’m at Department of Social Service in Uniondale. It’s worse than DMV, way worse. I’m only here for a stupid Buy In Program application that allows me to make more than $1000 a month, $1700 a month to be exact. The things I have to go through to get benefits.

I just want to walk out of here. I didn’t ask to have the strokes. This is such a joke! The strokes should be the worst I experience, but NOOO, now this? This is punishment. And to top it off I drove all this way (30 minutes from my house) to discover I left my license (somewhere, I don’t even remember where I put it).

Does anyone really think I want “free benefits”? Hell No. I would turn back time in a second, but it doesn’t work that way. So here I am, bored out of my mind, trying not to fall asleep. I don’t belong here… I should be positive, but it’s so hard sometimes. I need to vent. Sorry everyone😩.

I’m only human and 38 years old, so don’t be too harsh on me, lol. I’m not a writer any hoot. Are you familiar with the saying, “If someone lives in the past, they’ll be depressed. If someone lives in the future, they’ll be anxious”? Um, not to break it to you like this, but I’m not perfect. I have to remind myself multiple times a day to live in the present. Life circumstances have been hard enough on the atypical individual, add the TBI experience to the mix. “We’re our hardest critics”, have you ever heard this before? Did you ever say to yourself, “man, I need a break”? My hand’s up. Both my hands are up and waving like I’m flagging down a car for a ride, lol. I must say this ALOT.

One small piece of very important advice to everyone reading this, “Give yourself a break, live in the present.” I repeat, “Give yourself a break, live in the present.” (I must sound like a broken record) If I feel sorry for myself, how is that going to help me better my situation? I’ll tell you what it’s going to make me want to do…crawl in my bed under the covers (maybe with a tub of ice cream), cry, and go to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, crying cleanses our soul. But staying down after you’re down, instead of standing up (for yourself) is a No-No.

We all have unique, individual experiences of how we got here. No story is better or less than another’s story. We’re all in this together, not divided, so no comparisons here.

I always hear : “When I retire, I’ll travel”, or “When my kids grow up, I’ll do this…”. How about now? I don’t comprehend this or even believe in this. I always thought like this before the strokes too. I believe in this even more so after the strokes.

I know not every reader is female, but if any analogy can be made on this, the strokes represent a menstrual cramp to me. If I’m on my “time” or “my friend” (both stand for menstrual cramps), something that bothers me, I’m like: okay your annoying but I’ll tolerate you. Now that I had the strokes, I’m like: Get the H☆@* out of here!!! No wonder why all guys steer clear when females are on their “time”. Lol

It’s true though. I don’t understand why people say this: “When I retire, I’ll travel”??? Um News Flash…Tomorrow isn’t promised.

Alot of stories I hear is that someone will retire and have a heart attack. Or they have an accident. Orrr they just aren’t capable of traveling like they used to when they were younger.

Not capable of traveling consists of a broad spectrum of reasons. This may mean someone gets uncomfortable sitting on a plane for long periods of time: >8 hours. They may not be able to travel to locations of high altitudes :asthma, vertigo, etc. The list goes on and on.

An accident? Like the one I had? Two strokes? Years ago (I’ll be old one day and say this, but the strokes make me say this now lol), I was VERY active and traveled ALOT: either by plane or by road. When the sky or the road called me, I disappeared.

I traveled so often, that my bff (one of them) would be scared when I didn’t respond to her text message. Ummm, hello, I’m in Costa Rica: jetskiing, snorkeling, sightseeing, etc. Sorry but I can’t use my cellphone right now. It’s on airplane mode so I’m not charged an arm and a leg. I’m glad I went traveling though (and still do to this day).

Things are different now. I can’t do half the stuff I used to do. My balance and coordination are off. My voice? Lol People still don’t understand me when I talk. They have to read my lips literally and that includes my own father. And when they can’t, for example lets just say I’m at a drive thru. Lol use your imagination. Go figure.

Do u catch on/my drift? I don’t have to continue with “when my kids grow up, I’ll…”? Cause that’s way too much work, I’d rather enjoy now, In The Present.

Live in the present, like today was your last day alive. That’s why they call the present, the present. It’s a gift. I agree. That’s why I’d much rather enjoy each and every moment in thought with myself or with an interaction with a loved one.

Most of us know we can’t go traveling without giving two weeks notice. Make the most of it though. Smile at people, hold the door open for someone, compliment someone, talk to someone (sitting by themself), etc. You may just brighten up their day, put a smile on their face, or laughter bellowing out from their stomach. They may have tears of LAUGHTER instead of tears. It will brighten up your day. What’s better than that?

I don’t watch T.V. (there’s always negativity on there anyhoot). I heard from a Professor once, if someone watches four hours of T.V. a day, that’s NINE YEARS of your life. I can think of a helluva alot of things I can do in nine years, can you?

Instead of waiting for your kids to grow up to travel, enjoy them now. Have dinner with them. Call them. If they’re too busy to appreciate your time, spend it with loved ones who want to. There’s another saying, along these lines (I can’t remember it word for word). If our biological family disapoints us because they aren’t capable of being OUR family, PICK your family. I know I picked mine: my bffs, my bf, and my TBI Waiver Community Integration Counselor. Call them, spend time with them, enjoy them, and have dinner with them. There’s another saying along these lines…if your expecting love from a specific individual, and not getting attention/love, then someone in your life is openly waiting for that love.

Life’s too short…and then you die -isn’t that from a rap song? lol Life is too friggin short I meant to say. Eat the cake and SHARE it too. Do more than just have it. Buy flowers, go travel, love your loved ones. Because before you know it, we’re at the end of our rope in life.

You ever heard of when people retire, they pass? You know why? Besides life being too short, it’s because they no longer have purpose. They worked for however long, and now they don’t know what to do with themselves. That’s not gonna be me, I can tell you right now.

Have an awesome day. Smile. Enjoy and Share your cake. 💗

It’s raining and dreary right now. Ever since the two strokes at the end of February 2014, I get sick when it rains (sometimes). Not every time though. What does that consist of? I get a pounding headache, so painful that I get nauseous and vomit alot. Pretty much the same symptoms I had when I had the strokes. The only difference was when I had them, I fainted, sweat excessively, and could not walk at all.

Initially, these symptoms scared the crap out of me. If I hate anything, I definitely hate getting sick (especially throwing up). Especially right after the strokes, I was afraid that every little symptom I had implied I was having a stroke again. This made me fearful every time, to the point I was so scared that I ended up going to the emergency room three times because I thought this was the end, I was going to die.

This never happened before the strokes. Does anyone have this issue now? After the third ER visit, an appointment was recommended by the hospital to see my Neurosurgeon. So that’s what I did. I made an appointment to see him ASAP.

When I saw him, he explained everything to me. Wish I went to see him after the first ER Visit lol. I don’t get sick because I know how to prevent it now. This is how he explained it: Since the air pressure changes right before it’s going to rain, the change can be so drastic that it makes my brain swell up. I picture my brain swelling upso much that it’s pushing against my skull. The end result is that I get a huge headache and in turn get nauseous and vomit because of this.

He told me to avoid this from happening I can do the following: I can make sure I am well hydrated – drink lots of water. He also recommended that my stomach is full and take an aspirin.

I’m not keen on taking medication. I don’t believe in taking it as I believe it can be found in food. I had this frame of thinking ever since my early 30s. What better way to resolve your symptoms minus the side effects😉

I haven’t gotten sick since the three emergency room trips. When I know it’s going to rain the day of or if I don’t know, but I start to feel sick- I do mostly all of the things I’m about to mention: I make sure to drink lots of water. I always make sure to be on a full stomach. I love to eat so that’s not a problem for me lol.

AND

I take ground cardamom – a spice (not at all spicy though, I can’t take spicy foods) to treat the headache. I also put peppermint essential oil on my clothes where I can smell it – that gets rid of the naseau. Don’t put it directly on your skin unless you dilute it with water, or you’ll feel a burning sensation.

Fresh ginger also resolves an upset stomach – but like I said, I can’t take spicy foods. Ginger is spicy to me, but I tolerate it sometimes. When I take a bite of ginger from a fresh ginger root, it’s so spicy that I get the hiccups. It happens every single time I bite an inch of fresh ginger or anything that is too spicy for me.

If you don’t like ginger, or tolerate spice well, drink a teaspoon ([only] one time a day at most) of Apple cider vinegar in a glass of water.

Hope this helps. Safe travels if your out and about today. Have a great day💗

That’s uncommon. I always, ALWAYS have flowing thoughts in my mind. Considering I have brain fog, does anyone have any questions or topics they would like to have addressed?

Well I know I do now, but initially I wanted to hold on, hold on, hold on. To what you ask? To people, places, and things of course, Silly. For what? (I ask) To become a hoarder? lol In all seriousness, it was all for a sense of control. Control over my life. Control over incidences I most often had no control over. If I could go back in time, I would have made certain that I never fell, in order to prevent the strokes from occurring. Is that a “What If”? Hmmmm…

Believe me, once you start letting go, it’s like learning to ride a bicycle. It gets easier with practice. Same thing with positivity. Positive attracts positive.

Though there’s a downside to this, negative attracts negative. Negative conditions and beliefs that we’ve been raised in, keep the negative cycle going. We have to let go and undo everything that we’ve held on to.

I feel so much better, so much lighter, and much more positive. Why didn’t I do this sooner? Lol At least I learn from my mistakes. Regrets are “what ifs” too by the way. I have to learn to let those go as well (because I’m just human, I’m learning this as I go through life as we speak ~ and passing the information along to all of you, in hopes that it is helpful to you.)

Do I want to hold on to pictures or things that remind me of my recovery? To remind me of how far I’ve come? Does this really help me? I have memories in my mind for this. I’ll tell you what pictures do to me, they remind me of the strokes. That’s what they really do. It does not remind me of how far I’ve come.

I forget where I heard this from, I think it’s a Buddhist saying. It goes something like this: If you don’t need it, you want it. Let go of what you want. What do you need? Water (hopefully filtered), healthy nutritious food, clothes on your back, a healthy mind, body, and soul), and faith and belief in a higher power. The rest you can let go.

We’re just trying to hold onto the past, but how does it make us feel? I know how it makes me feel. Especially when I look at pictures or videos of my recovery of where I started from: bed ridden, in a wheel chair, a droopy right side of my face – it’s 95% back to normal except when I look up or smile, relearning how to do EVERYTHING (I’m still learning by the way), right sided weakness of my whole body (that still exists), how to walk, how to drink (thickened liquids [with nectar to thicken it] to thin liquids [regular drinks]), I still have trouble burping-if I have carbonated drinks, I get deathly sick and vomit because I can’t burp, “graduate” to a straw, etc. The list goes on and on. Whatever I just shared with you was all from my memory (thankfully). How do you feel reading this about me? Bad? Sorry for me/sympathy?

I prefer EMPATHY instead or that you can learn from me. The reason why I prefer this is it gives me a purpose, an option to better myself. Resilency comes to mind. Empathy allows me to move upward when sympathy just makes me feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I’d much rather go up on a higher path to a purposeful life and to inspire others. To say a kind word, write a kind word, or perform a kind action, that’s what life is all about.

I don’t need pictures to remind me of the strokes, why would I want to remember that? To feel sad? Depressed? To have those feelings when I hold on to those things? Those things do not serve any purpose for me other than to bring negative feelings from the negative memories I have from the strokes when seeing these pictures/videos.

The 2 strokes should be the worst for me, but that’s up to me, my choice. I don’t want to continue punishing myself by holding onto negative memories. There’s nothing positive in my eyes trying to hold on to those things. All it does is make me depressed and hopeless. I’ll PASS on feeling that way anyday.

If I want to live in the present, I have to let go of the past. I have alot of sayings but this one says it all: If one lives in the past, they’ll be depressed. If one lives in the future, they’ll be anxious. So what message does that relay to me? Relay to you? When it really comes down to it, when we leave this world, we leave with nothing (not even the body). LIVE IN THE PRESENT.

I’m terrible and very stubborn when it comes to admitting I’m wrong.Even before the accident, I was very much so. It’s so embarrassing, so why admit I’m wrong when I can just ignore the situation and sweep it under the rug? That way I no longer need to be embarrassed further. I have zero tolerance now, so that sounds like a great solution, right? Oh so wrong I am. Since I’m on the Traumatic Brain Injury Medicaid Waiver, I get Community Integration Counseling 2 hours a week. I met with my counselor last week. During our session, she said something to me that just made sense to me a day ago. Even though it seemed to make sense initially when she first said it, it really didn’t click with me. I notice I do it more frequently than I’d like to admit. Our conversation went something like this: She said my blogs are great for people to relate to, that some people rid themselves of situations all together. Meaning for example, a person doesn’t want to deal with negative situations from negative people (neither do I), but that individual decides not to talk to anyone at all (including the good people). I said, it’s like taking an antibiotic and eliminating yourself of GOOD and bad bacteria, the good bacteria never stands a chance. As she described it she said it meaning other people do that, but I realize I am an active participant. I could tell you of three different occurrences that happened within last meeting with her a week ago. My stubborn, full of pride self, and stuck in my old ways inhibited me from accepting the great people in my life, not anymore though. Thanks Lynda💗

Now I forget unless I do it now or I write it down, so that I remember later …it can be something so important but I’ll still forget it…For example, I’m currently on the Traumatic Brain Injury Medicaid Waiver and I was supposed to have a meeting to meet my potential service coordinator for the first time. If I liked her and everything went well, I would choose her. Simple enough, right? Well I didn’t write it down in my phone calendar to remind me…so I completely forgot and had to reschedule …Even if I write it down in my phone calendar, if I don’t have at least 3 reminders (I usually put one for an hour before, 90 minutes before, and 2 hours before), I’ll forget. I seem to have a brain fart…is that the expression? Lol I wanted to write one blog specifically, and other topics are joined at the hip with it. So I can’t write that specific issue without writing these…hopefully I won’t forget them by the time I’m about to write it down considering I have so much to write about.